It's been too long since my last progress report. The schedule went a bit off-piste thanks to Christmas, dry January, my standard cognitive chaos. But I haven't been idle, honest guvnor. I've pretty much vanquished chapter 8.
Which leaves me only two chapters still undrafted. They're the two chapters that I thought would be the easiest, because they rely the most on existing material. Somehow that's made them the hardest instead. I'm not sure if this is because I find it more fun to write newer stuff, or perhaps because the remaining chapters deal with the issues that are most at the heart of all my work so the bar is higher, or what. But i can't avoid them any longer.
What I've started doing is reviewing the overall shape of the beast though. I've got around 73,000 words drafted which feels good. I promised the publisher between 80 and 100 thousand, so it feels like I'm right on track. Of course, as well as the two remaining chapters, I've got the intro and conclusions still to do, as well as editing and redrafting, references, pictures and index to sort out. There is still plenty to do!
But I'm close enough to the end now that a new sort of fear is beginning to set in. Not so much, 'Will i get it written?' as 'Will it be any good?' And there is something else too. Reviewing the macroscopic structure of the arguments, its dawned on me that it's turning out slightly, well, different from how I expected. Which is terrifying.
I've often joked that I don't feel entirely in charge when I'm writing. It's a bit like getting possessed by a idea and i don't always know where it will lead. I'm often surprised by the ending.
Is this normal? I have no idea. Many women have compared finishing a book to having a baby - long gestation period, painful birth, celebratory announcement period etc. But of course it doesn't stop there - the child keeps growing and developing (if you're lucky). and parenthood is all about cultivating something autonomous, rather than sculpting clay.
It's like my work has a life of its own too. And I'm not the only author, because the end product reflects all sorts of things that happened, like things I read, other people's work, as well.
One of the surprises, so far, is that its a lot more philosophical than I thought it would be. This is partly because I set out to respond to philosophical work on my earlier writings but mostly, I'm sure, about people who have influenced me - like my former grad students, Will Morgan and Arthur Carlyle, who inspired me to think loads about really metaphysical issues like personal identity.
It's scary because it feels a bit out of my lane - I'm not a metaphysician! and because I feel much safer talking about real things, describing actual creatures, than in evaluating possible worlds and so on. I guess I'm also worried the abstract stuff gets too dry and will alienate people who'd rather be hearing about colourful and engaging animal life histories.
Maybe I'll change the balance again in the end - I've been working more at the abstract end of things, but the two remaining chapters will hopefully bring it back to earth. I'll have to consult the muse, next time it's with me. I guess I'm also slightly freaked out because I've ended up writing much more new material than I originally intended to - not just new ways of putting things, but getting into entirely new problems and literatures that I'd never thought about before. Which has made it more fun for me, of course. But now that I'm remembering that my baby is going to have to go out into the world one day, it suddenly feels risky.
It's not me to be an over-protective parent though. I'm more the type who bungs them into roller-skates and laughs when they fall over. Tells 'em to wipe their muddy hands on their knees and crack on. But then, I've always known, deep inexplicably in my core, that my kids are awesome and will do just fine. My book, on the other hand.......I need to work out what the equivalent is of helicopter authoring. I guess instead of disallowing boyfriends I'd be refusing to let anyone read it.
What I really need, to help with these jitters, is a) to work really hard editing and polishing it up but also b) to find some well-trusted, but also totally qualified people to read bits and beg them not to hold back on criticism, for my own good.
They say it takes a village to raise a child. It's time to reach out to my academic village.......