Gosh darn it, where does the time go? Browsing through earlier posts, I realise this was two years ago. Which means its been nearly three years since I ran low on juice and started avoiding giving talks. I've given several online. And I've been lecturing. But all this time i've squirmed out of all non-compulsory bits of public speaking and I've decided enough is enough.
I think I needed a break, honestly. I'd endured a lot and pushed through so much exhaustion and grief that I couldnt really hear what my body was saying any more, which was that my confidence had collapsed. and I kinda respect it for just forcibly taking over and making me change course. I've done a lot of resetting and anti-adulting this last year and shaken off some of the trauma and emotional burnout with dancing and swearing and running and cold water swimming and emdr. If there is anyone out there feeling like things are too much, I fully endorse listening to your self and pressing pause if you possibly can, just abdicate responsibility for as much as you can and think about geese. There will always be dickheads in the world but it solves nothing to replay our pain in our heads all the time. Better to summon our inner Baubos and refuse to take anything seriously that doesn't involve joy, curiosity or hilarity.
I don't recommend avoiding anything forever though. If you start altering your habits to avoid something scary, it can happen that new scary things start popping up and your world creeps smaller and smaller. I don't want fear to be in charge of my plans like that. I did think seriously for a while about trying to find a new way to pay the bills that doesn't involve public speaking. But I do already have a great job. And there was a time that I enjoyed connecting with audiences, and exploring the world, and meeting new people. And that if I could wave a magic wand and take the fear away i'd choose to do it again.
So I've accepted some invitations and I'm putting my big girl pants on and getting back out there. Unfortunately there are no magic wands, so I'm still kinda terrified and I can't promise I won't shake, or stammer or cry. I do promise I won't actually channel Baubo though. They might not be the greatest shows of my life. But I don't have to be good, I don't have to walk on my knees through the desert. I just have to show up, and breathe, and share my joy and curiosity about the amazing world we inhabit.
I'll be talking about holobiont individuality at the Department of Fundamental Microbiology (what a cool name!) at the University in Lausanne on October 2nd, and about conservation ontology in the Egenis seminar series in Exeter on December 7th, with further dates in the spring.
Wish me luck. Give me a sympathetic nod if you witness me hyperventilating. I taught my kids we can do hard things and its time to prove it.