Confession

Today is a scary day, because i've decided to write about something embarrassing. Something that i am ashamed of. Something that i may regret writing about. Yet, something about which i have hope that, in writing about it, i might find some relief.

Because maybe some readers have struggled with it too and they'll tell me and i'll get some solidarity. Maybe someone will have helpful solutions to suggest. Maybe having it out in the open will take some of the terror out of it. Or maybe it won't help me at all, maybe it will even cause reputational damage, because it evidences me as attention-seeking or emotionally incontinent and unreliable or something. Maybe going public will cause me to lose invitations, positions, even grants. But even then, maybe it will help someone else because i admitted something they feel too.

I've been struggling, for the last 12+ months, with anxiety. In particular, with anxiety about public speaking. Stage fright. It started last october with a panic attack in an undergraduate lecture. and its got so that 24 hours before any scheduled talk or lecture i get shaky and sleepless, with nausea and a racing mind that makes it impossible to drag myself to the scene. I've been declining invitations, pulling out of commitments, making excuses and worrying about the future.

As someone who just 13 months ago enjoyed speaking at public events, and felt naturally confident and good at it, this is a blow. As someone whose career and ability to pay the bills depends on lecturing, it is utterly terrifying and creating a spiral of anxious and pessimistic thoughts.

I don't know what's happened. i don't know why my previous confidence evaporated over night. except that i know i've had a tough few years. i know that i've been under too much pressure and been badly treated and there is a part of me that wants to hide under a duvet and cancel everything for ever more. I know that i'm also desperately ashamed of all this and terrified of letting everyone, my colleagues and especially my children, down. 

Just, somehow, having to stand in front of people and talk became impossible. my mind screams at me to get away, that it's not safe, that i can't do it. my legs become jelly and my throat closes up and my mind blanks. 

I am trying to make contingency plans for if i can't overcome this and need to find a new way of paying my massive mortgage that doesn't require standing in front of large groups of people. Can i find a job where i can do all my teaching online? or that's research only and doesn't require me to give talks? Can i find a collaborator who will do all the talking for me? Shall i quit and retrain  - what as?

I'm also throwing everything i can think of at it to try to solve it. I'm trying to treat possible underlying causes of PTSD and hormonal fluctuations. I'm trying medications and supplements and EMDR and hypnotherapy and breathwork and cold water swims and a million more expensive and unproven but possible cures. i'm trying to relax and exercise more and do positive affirmations and avoid avoidance and generally man up and get my shit together.

It's not come entirely out of nowhere. i struggled with panic attacks and performance anxiety and agoraphobia already, before grad school. Grad school in Bristol was a slow (and secret) process of gradually but successfully overcoming terror - first at showing up to class, then to speaking, then to giving presentations. and i know there should be comfort in this - i already went from somewhere afraid to enter a room if i wasn't comfortable escaping at will, to someone who travelled the world as a confident and enthusiastic keynote speaker. i've breezed through interviews and public events and prestigious conference appearances. 

I did it once so surely i can do it again, even if it was excruciatingly hard the first time around, and even though its mystifying how my mind can be so unreliable and erase all my former progress so swiftly, without warning. I've birthed children and written a book and been strong in so many ways recently and somehow it feels like i just ran out of something.

i hope i'll figure it out and get it back. But if you get a decline or a cancellation from me in the near future - i'm sorry. If i fail to show for a lecture or leave 5 mins in - i'm sorry. I'm not doing it on purpose.

Comments are open!