I had a bit of an emotional time last week, post-summer blues and despair at how behind I feel with everything. The house seems to be sliding inexorably further away from decent-enough-to invite-people-over. I've got drawers in the kitchen whose contents keep spilling out because the front has fallen off and I can't figure out how to get it back on. The garden is sprawling with weeds, broken furniture and unloved pots (good job I like unkempt gardens, ha!) My bills are eye-watering and consistently outpacing my salary. And work seems to be piling up faster than I can tackle it too.
Generally feeling overwhelmed and in failuresville, then, and that was before I started reading all this stuff about how single mothers have health problems and reduced life expectancy, even when controlling for poverty (I'm still very much luckier in that regard than most single mothers!) because of all the stress and depression.
What does one do when it all feels too much? I started casting around for role models,
to show me the way and give me hope that I'm not defeated yet. Luckily I've got some amazing women in my personal life and family history who help shine a light. Sometimes its nice to be able to draw inspiration from someone famous, though it's not easy to find women who are appropriately relatable.One that always comes up is Marie Curie. Sure, winning two Nobel prizes while being widowed with two young daughters is amazing. But I can't really relate. I'm not widowed (sadly, lol), I'm not mothering in 1910. It's written that she may not have seen her daughters much anyway - apparently her father-in-law did much of the childcare, and then 'governesses'. Also I don't expect to ever win a Nobel prize (much). I guess my ideal solo mama role model would be British and vaguely my age (Kate Moss? Lily Allen? Adele?) It's easy to list celebrity single mums who seem to be making it work but it would be nice to find examples of people who made it without being stinking rich - although i'm sure being rich doesn't solve all the difficulties.
Here's my pick:
Maya Angelou
Poet and civil rights activist. Became a single mum at 16. Clawed her way past terrible childhood abuse, poverty, racism, a series of awful jobs, to become one of the world's most moving and influential authors.
I don't know how to reasonably summarise the life and achievements of someone so amazing. If you haven't read 'I know why the caged bird sings' read it. Read her poetry. Maya Angelou: "Mother, A Cradle to Hold Me:
It is true
I was created in you.
It is also true
That you were created for me.
I owned your voice.
It was shaped and tuned to soothe me.
Your arms were molded
Into a cradle to hold me, to rock me.
The scent of your body was the air
Perfumed for me to breathe."
Katherine Ryan
Successful comedian. Moved from Canada and raised her daughter alone whilst working her way up the ranks of the UK comedy circuit. She is hilarious, but she is also a great role model when it comes to confronting stereotypes and dealing with harrsassment and trolls, and being uncompromisingly herself. Plus I love a happy ending and she now looks to be all happily coupled up, with two further kids, with her childhood sweetheart. And who can fail to respect a drinker of breakfast wine?
Rt Hon Angela Raynor
British MP and deputy leader of the Labour Party. She's a lefty, she grew up in a rough area, left school at 16 while pregnant without any qualifications. She later worked in social care before becoming a trade union rep. She got death threats in 2021 after describing senior Tories as 'scum'. She ended up having three boys and is now a grandmother. She vapes and was recently reported to be enjoying 12-hour raves fuelled by a cocktail called 'venom'. Love.
Dr Rebecca Roache
Welsh Philosopher, life coach, solo mama to two children. Escaped an abusive relationship and somehow holds it all down. She has just written a book with an excellent cover on the philosophy of swearing. She is funny and cool and writes top-notch papers. Oh and she does Life Coaching and a podcast too.
Of course, it's a big deal to me to find role models who are academics as well as solo mamas.I do know a few other single mum philosophers but they generally aren't public about their status, unlike Rebecca. Hell, there aren't that many people who are *mothers* as well as philosophers.
There are some good recent examples of single mothers in film and tv.
Liz from Motherland, played by Diane Morgan, is foul-mouthed, hard-smoking and sarcastic but always has a parenting hack up her sleeve.
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