It's got to the point where i'm superstitious. Every time i get poised to work on this book some crisis happens. A global pandemic was the first example, and chickenpox the most recent. Does the world not want my book? Am i subsconsciously manifesting crises so i don't have to work on it? Lol. I actually really want to work on it! I really enjoy it when i get the chance!
It probably doesn't help that i have a bit of a racehorse methodology when it comes to writing. That is, its all about getting myself into the zone. I need the right amount of sleep, exercise, the calm state of mind that happens first thing in the morning and nothing disturbs me. It's physiological. I just need to catch my brain when its in peak condition and then i find writing easy. Sure i do things that trigger it. There are certain authors or journal i'll browse to help get the juices flowing. it helps to talk about what i want to write about the night before i want to write about it. and i can often solve problems by thinking about them just before bedtime and letting my dream brain figure out the answer.
But its mainly about shielding my consciousness from things that ruin it - social media, time tables, hangovers. Getting rid of distractions. So I'm not someone who can write in stolen half hours here and there in the middle of a busy schedule. I need PEACE, time when my brain isnt in a reactive mode and i have enough time to build up to flow.
I think one day I'll look back and marvel that i wrote anything at all this decade. I suspect people without children can't remotely comprehend just how distracting and time consuming they are, just how normal it becomes to have crisis after crisis once they're on the scene. There is so much that just cannot be planned for. So much that can steal your attention and consume your time. I'll never be someone that can sit in a doctors waiting room with a sick child and still deal with emails. If i was doing that then the sick child would know i wasn't really with them. I'm someone that whatever i'm doing, i'm doing it completely.
My well-meaning line-manager recently told me i could do with becoming better organised. In many ways that's right. I am not the kind of person for whom things run on schedule. i often don't even have a schedule. I drop balls all over the place. But in an important way my gut resists that verdict. I don't drop important balls. And frankly, as a single parent who works full time with two primary school age children, the only way to avoid dropping important balls is to be ruthless prioritiser who drops many many little balls, all the time. I miss emails. i forget meetings. my house is a mess. I forget where i parked my car and spend more minutes than i would like to confess looking for my phone each day.
But its funny cos i bought some books about how to be better organised, how to manage email overload etc. because thats what i do to solve problems, i find the book for it. and one of the main messages in these books is about prioritising. Letting go of answering all your emails and just answering the ones that really matter. Check! I'm the king of that one.
I get things done, even if i get them done to an unpredictable timetable. I neglect tasks consistently, because i'm focussing on other tasks. I'm never going to be the kind of person who remembers to send regular reminder emails about things, or communicates with people in a predictable fashion. But i rarely miss deadlines either. I'm never going to be neat or professional-looking. I'm never going to have a clean car, or a proper filing system. but i'm usually on time to things - albeit sweaty from a very hasty bike ride and without a functioning pen. i'll probably carry on being late with my nieces and nephews birthday presents, double-booking myself socially and having to wing things and rely on friends to bail me out when i over -reach on how much i can fit in or achieve on my own.
But i think its all ok. We're all different sorts of people, and while the world needs organised, reliable, professional types, it also needs hectic, hyperactive dreamers.
I can't complete my book edits while my littlest needs me to sit with her while she waits for her chickenpox spots to scab over. She needs me to fetch her drinks, to hold her hand, to pay attention to her and take an interest in her. She needs me to be with her completely.
But next week, next week........ i'll see what the world throws at me. But if its a quiet one, one without terror-inducing phone calls from school, without stubborn fevers or global disasters, then.......
I'm doing a few chapter re-writes, where friends have suggested different lay outs to make the ideas shine. I'm sourcing a few photo credits. I'm completing a few arguments where i previously didn't know how to conclude, but thanks to some conferences i did this year i've figured out what i want to say. I'm chasing a few references. I'm adding some framing and some sign posting.
If i'm lucky, and there are a couple of periods with several calm days in a row this summer, then i'll get it finished, reader. I really will. There might be no other profession where one has the luxury of entirely fabricating and constantly amending the timeline according to which your progress is evaluated. So even though it feels like i've been writing this book forever, i'll be damn proud of myself, given the circumstances.
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